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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:47 pm 
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Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little píssflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely fúck all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you fúcking dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all fúck off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

Yours sincerely


A very disillusioned Mariner


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:56 pm 
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It's a League Two team, with not a lot of fans and not a lot of money. The players at Grimsby (anyone remember Barry Conlon) are all of a pretty poor standard, but that's what you expect at the bottom end of the English Football League. This 'fan' is being a bit of a tw*t frankly, and if he's that bothered he should toddle of to t'other side of the Humber and watch Hull - at least the opposition teams will give him something to get excited about.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:59 pm 
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Quite well written though.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:00 pm 
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Anybody who can write the following sentence is worth listening to :-

I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:04 pm 
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Bert Trautmanns neck brace wrote:
Quite well written though.


Undoubtedly, but you'd have thought that he'd understand that by choosing to watch Grimsby, that's the level of football he's gonna get.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:05 pm 
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We all want the best from our team and it's players. Whatever the level you expect commitment.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:06 pm 
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DarloBlue wrote:
Undoubtedly, but you'd have thought that he'd understand that by choosing to watch Grimsby, that's the level of football he's gonna get.


It's like going to Church and expecting some excitement.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:06 pm 
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boac

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:07 pm 
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DarloBlue wrote:
Undoubtedly, but you'd have thought that he'd understand that by choosing to watch Grimsby, that's the level of football he's gonna get.



have to disagree. As many on here can testify to, you don't choose your team, you're born into it.

Angry Mariner 1 DarloBlue 0

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:13 pm 
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leedsblue wrote:
We all want the best from our team and it's players. Whatever the level you expect commitment.


I know that, but people need to appreciate that commitment means f*ck all. It isn't completely the Grimsby players' fault that the team is so bad. It's either (a) the manager for buying such poor players, (b) the chairman for not providing enough money, (c) the Premiership for destroying the lower leagues, or (d) all the wealthy people in the world who refuse to buy football teams.

Teams like Grimsby and Darlington pay players less than £500 per week - the players that they can afford are the worst 'professionals' in the game. Even with all the commitment in the world, Grimsby players aren't going to dazzle their fans with amazing skill. A player can be 100% committed and still be utter dross (I could name dozens of former and current Darlington players - Craig Russell being the stand-out example).


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:17 pm 
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DarloBlue wrote:
I know that, but people need to appreciate that commitment means f*ck all. It isn't the Grimsby players' fault that the team is so bad. It's either (a) the manager for buying such poor players, (b) the chairman for not providing enough money, (c) the Premiership for destroying the lower leagues, or (d) all the wealthy people in the world who refuse to buy football teams.

Teams like Grimsby and Darlington pay players less than £500 per week - the players that they can afford are the worst 'professionals' in the game. Even with all the commitment in the world, Grimsby players aren't going to dazzle their fans with amazing skill. A player can be 100% committed and still be utter dross (I could name dozens of former and current Darlington players - Craig Russell being the stand-out example).


Hmmm... I'm finding I'm disagreeing with you tonight Darlo. Your first paragraph is very player friendly and smacks of "It's everybody elses fault but the players" mentality. And commitment counts for a hell of a lot more than you seem to think it does. Paul Dickov, shit player but was commitment personified and we loved him for it. People can forgive people/players their faults as long as they try hard. It might not get you results, you are still not going to play attractive football either but at least people can appreciate that the one thing that every human being (regardless of level of talent) can offer - should they choose to, is effort. It's the bear minimum.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:31 pm 
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Darlo in sense of humour failure shock.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:39 pm 
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cooder wrote:
Hmmm... I'm finding I'm disagreeing with you tonight Darlo. Your first paragraph is very player friendly and smacks of "It's everybody elses fault but the players" mentality. And commitment counts for a hell of a lot more than you seem to think it does. Paul Dickov, shit player but was commitment personified and we loved him for it. People can forgive people/players their faults as long as they try hard. It might not get you results, you are still not going to play attractive football either but at least people can appreciate that the one thing that every human being (regardless of level of talent) can offer - should they choose to, is effort. It's the bear minimum.


I agree that it is important - I'm talking about the specific situation of Grimsby though. Grimsby have been in the lower regions of League Two for a long time now and have not had a remotely good squad in four or five years. The main problem with the team is not their commitment but their general ability. I've seen a lot of League Two football over the past ten or so years, and the level of football played is generally dire. Grimsby are one of those teams that is made up of players who weren't good enough for other teams in the division and were saved last year only because of Luton being deducted 30 points and Chester's financial crisis. They aren't good enough for League Two, and no matter how much effort the players put in, they still won't be. Their commitment may not be the best, however my point is that commitment is not their main problem, it is not the reason why they are so bad to watch, and it is not the sole reason why the angry mariner wrote that letter.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 7:45 pm 
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Squidge wrote:
Darlo in sense of humour failure shock.


It's not that. I appreciate that the letter is very well stylised and amusing to a certain extent. However I am also fully aware of my dislike of fans in League Two who expect the level of football to be better than it is. I've met my fair share of w*nkers at Darlo games, and I can't just read the letter from a neutral context because Darlington are in exactly the same situation as Grimsby, and have exactly the same group of tw*ts who just complain week in week out about the quality of football.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 8:11 pm 
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Fucking hell Darlo Blue. How spectacularly can you miss the point with all this holier than thou bullshit?

The guy's a paying punter. Voicing his opinion doesn't make him any less of a fan, and watching a lower league team doesn't mean you should expect any less commitment.

In the words of Denis Healey, when you're in a hole, stop digging.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 8:23 pm 
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Bastard wrote:
Fucking hell Darlo Blue. How spectacularly can you miss the point with all this holier than thou bullshit?

The guy's a paying punter. Voicing his opinion doesn't make him any less of a fan, and watching a lower league team doesn't mean you should expect any less commitment.

In the words of Denis Healey, when you're in a hole, stop digging.


Where have all the charismatic politicians gone?

There used to be lots --on all sides- who could make you take notice, Healey, Brown, Churchill, Skinner etc. You did not have to agree with them but at least you took notice
Now they are all faceless sycophantic party line toers. I can't think of an interesting politician-- maybe Galloway or Boris.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 8:31 pm 
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I'm getting deja vu Bert.

Din;t we have this exact same conversation not that long ago?

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 8:48 pm 
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Bastard wrote:
Fucking hell Darlo Blue. How spectacularly can you miss the point with all this holier than thou bullshit?

The guy's a paying punter. Voicing his opinion doesn't make him any less of a fan, and watching a lower league team doesn't mean you should expect any less commitment.

In the words of Denis Healey, when you're in a hole, stop digging.


It isn't the commitment I have an issue with. It's the complaining about a lack of skill when there's actually very little the players can do about that (if they could, they wouldn't be at Grimsby).

Quote:
I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.


Perhaps I read the opening paragraph wrong, but that is pretty scathing of the players' skill, not their commitment.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 9:02 pm 
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Bastard wrote:
I'm getting deja vu Bert.

Din;t we have this exact same conversation not that long ago?


yes we did.

i won with this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94lW6Y4tBXs&feature=related

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 9:06 pm 
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Thread rescued from noob who takes himself far too seriously.

Good work P. Blue.

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