LEST WE FORGET THOSE WHO LAID DOWN THEIR LIVES SO THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS MIGHT SQUABBLE CHILDISHLY OVER HOW BEST TO REMEMBER THEM

The Fiver can think of no better way of remembering Great Britain's war dead than sending England's footballers out to play their Spanish counterparts at Wembley. If anything is likely to remind us of the fallen, it's the sight of wave after wave of young Englishmen being picked off by Johnny Foreigner, having launched one ill-advised over-the-top attack too many in a series of depressingly futile attempts to get behind enemy lines.

But for some, a commemorative re-enactment of various historical slaughters soundtracked by idiots singing about Twelve German bombers is not enough, so the FA, assorted fans and media outlets have decided to mark the sacrifice made by millions sent needlessly to their deaths over the past century by relentlessly squabbling over a football team's right to wear shirts decorated with commemorative poppies during a match against Spain. Not before or after a football match against Spain, but during it, when ... let's face it, England's players will have far more pressing concerns than the absence of an embroidered flower from their sweat-drenched kit.

Anyone lucky enough to have been tripping on acid for the past 48 hours may be unaware that the mother of all stinks has been kicked up over a Fifa rule that forbids England's players from wearing poppies on the grounds that it is a political symbol that could jeopardise "the neutrality of football". Despite having been in place for a long time, it is a rule that has singularly failed to perturb the FA in nine previous Novembers of yore; Novembers, coincidentally, when English football's governing body didn't feel the need to generate spurious controversies because of sour grapes over failed World Cup bids, or to deflect media attention away from a national team captain who'd become embroiled in an embarrassing race row.

In order to confirm that the wearing of poppies could never be construed as a political act, Great Britain's prime minister, David Cameron, who is a politician, got involved this morning, going so far as to condemn the ban as "outrageous", but not so far as to declare it a great excuse for him to avoid tricky questions about an embarrassing controversy involving his home secretary telling fibs about her role in a scandal undermining national security. Cameron then declared his intention to write an angry letter to Fifa, demanding that England's footballers be allowed to show their respect for all those who have lost their lives in conflict in places like Afghanistan by sporting a symbol of the Islamic republic's lucrative heroin export trade. Whether or not he did this before or after the carefully orchestrated photo op in which he was spotted having a poppy pinned to his lapel by some young people remains unclear.

Ironically enough, one of very few voices of reason to have been heard over the unseemly din of the increasingly bonkers poppy-cock of the past couple of days has been that of Chris Simpkins, director general of the Royal British Legion, the charity which benefits financially from funds raised by the sale of the lapel decorations. "The FA has helped us explore every alternative available and we are satisfied that England will enter the competition knowing they have shown proper respect for our armed forces," he said, apparently satisfied with the planned pre-match Fifa approved minute's silence, during which England's players will wear Fifa-approved training tops featuring poppies.

For hysterical Little Englanders who consider such perfectly adequate marks of respect tantamount to peeing on the Cenotaph, the FA has helpfully issuing a list of other ways Remembrance Day will be marked during England's friendly against Spain, including a commemorative poppy wreath being brought out on the pitch before kick-off, poppies being sold inside Wembley, a giant poppy-shaped blimp being flown in the air above the stadium and all supporters being obliged to change their name to 'Poppy' by deed poll in order to gain access to the ground.

At the time of writing, two bozos from the English Defence League, an organisation not renowned for it's tight grasp on the concept of irony, had muscled in on the farce by clambering up on the roof of Fifa HQ in Zurich to selflessly protest on behalf of those left with no voice as a result of being too dead from fighting against the kind of people who espouse similar views to supporters of the English Defence League. Remembrance of the war dead doesn't get more dignified - well done football, well done.

Has England ever played so close to Rememberance Sunday before??? I guess they might have, i think if this was an away game then i don't really think a fuss would have been made so much.

It's totally beyond a fucking joke, to be honest. How can such a deluded, out of touch and incompetent fat old twat be allowed to spout his uninformed bollocks for so long and still be the head of FIFA? When I hear FIFA I don't even think about football anymore, I think about computer games, rampant corruption and that ridiculous prick. Only way he'll fuck off is if the sponsors start kicking up a fuss, which they really should because no-one wants to be associated with that.