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guardian rumour mill
So with the Champions League final, the FA Cup final, and now the prestigious England v Andorra end-of-season jamboree out of the way, that's it for football in 2008-09. Which probably means you already have close-season rumour fatigue. Bah. Doesn't make our job any easier, that. Still, let's grit our teeth and get through it. So here, in reverse order, are the most interesting rumours floating around at the moment.
837,374: Cristiano Ronaldo will join Real Madrid for £85m, according to reports in Sp… no, we can't be bothered to finish that one.
13: Robinho wants to join Barcelona. "I've not received an offer," he admits. No? Really?
12: Didier Drogba doesn't want to move to Manchester City. He wants to stay at Chelsea. Is this a rumour? A football transfer rumour?
11: Arjen Robben is surplus to requirements at preening glam rockers Real Madrid, as he doesn't have enough hair and refuses to purchase a pair of stacked heels. Despite looking like Roxy Music-era Brian Eno, a bit, sort of, Real are prepared to offload him to Manchester City. Or Manchester United. Or Liverpool. They're making this one up, aren't they.
10: Fulham want Blackburn midfielder Steven Reid. Go on, you try to get an angle on that one.
9: Watch out the Championship! Dennis Wise comin' straight atcha! He's applying for the vacant manager's job at Watford.
8: Wolves are going to sign Reading keeper Marcus Hahnemann on a free transfer. Note how this is more interesting than the Cristiano Ronaldo story. It is more interesting than the Cristiano Ronaldo story.
7: Middlesbrough want Colchester winger Mark Yeats. He'll replace the departing Stewart Downing, who is joining Gloy, with a view to being boiled down for etc, and so on, and so forth.
6: Birmingham's Alex McLeish, who is an above-average coach but hasn't been able to sign decent players to save his life, not at Hibs, not at Rangers, and not at St Andrews, wants Coventry defender Scott Dann. Dann should probably sue for the slight on his reputation.
5: Newcastle are going to have a fire sale, getting shot of Fabrizio Coloccini, Jose Enrique, Obafemi Martins, Bill Brewer, Shola Ameobi, Xisco, Peter Davy, Kevin Nolan, Joey Barton, Jonás Gutiérrez, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke, Geremi, Uncle Tom Cobley and all.
4: Andrea Pirlo hasn't ruled out a move from Milan to Chelsea. "Maybe," he says. "We will see." Thank you, my Rumour Mill!
3: Sunderland, Stoke and Tottenham Hotspur all want Richard Dunne, the Manchester City defender and one-man Republic of Ireland team. Daniel Sturridge is on his way out of Eastlands too, heading for West Ham. City are in danger of losing the thread totally here. What was it, 1976? Manchester United fans need not worry about changing those banners yet.
2: Alan Irvine of Preston will take over at West Bromwich Albion when Tony Mowbray takes his aesthetically pleasing press clippings about his less than aesthetically pleasing list of results to Celtic.
And that's it. Hold on, there's not a No1! There's not a Most Interesting Rumour! How does that work, then?
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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"
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