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and is it bad that all of these i find just as amusing as the sun's problem pages?

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

a quandry shared by many posters mothers-in-law i suppose -

My daughter aged 19 is going out with a boy whom I suspect is gay. This is her first relationship, and I am worried for her. We have had lots of talks about him and her sexuality. How does a parent handle such a situation?

I understand you want your daughter to be with someone appropriate, but it's important that now she's entering adulthood you step back on this issue. Be available if she wants to discuss her sexuality, but avoid being intrusive. The developmental task of a teenager is to find out who she is, and that includes her sexual self. Even if you are correct about her boyfriend's sexual orientation, it would be best to allow your daughter to discover that for herself. Attraction between two people involves many processes – biological, psychological, social and more – and there are important reasons why she has chosen to be with this person, at least for now. Her motivation may even be partly to rebel against your counsel – also an important developmental task of a teenager - so expressing disapproval of her boyfriend may only ensure she continues to go out with him.

It's hard for a parent to stand by and watch children make mistakes, but if we intervene too much they'll never learn self-efficacy. If you find that she is being drawn to men who make her unhappy, you could suggest psychotherapy. But for now, let her know you trust her judgment in finding a partner who makes her happy.

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

oh wow. so - own up

My boyfriend of two years has asked me about girl-on-girl sex and we both agreed we'd have a threesome on the stipulation that we break up afterwards. Recently he's been spending time, and nights, with a man who seems gay, but he has denied any infidelity. Now I have found a video he made of himself, anally masturbating and screaming out his friend's name. When I confronted him, he said it was a phase. He's asked me to have sex with him with a strap-on before, so should I end this now? How can he love me, and make love with me, and then turn around and do it with a man?

Like many people, your boyfriend seems to be exploring his sexuality. He does not want to lose you, but is being cautious about how accepting you might be of his erotic tastes. In his mind, this is just part of his sexual journey, and separate from how he feels about you, but I understand your discomfort. "Fidelity" is not easy for anyone (and many do not even value it), but if it is paramount for you, he may not be your ideal partner. It's time to have a proper conversation, but you will not get genuine answers if he feels you will be judgmental. Affirm that you care about him, then phrase your questions gently, eg "Please help me to understand who you really are, erotically speaking." He may be bisexual; if so, you have choices: accept that about him (and establish some ground rules), or move on.

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

Definitely not me, my ex was all for me doing other guys, she used to fantasise about it. Think I made some drunken agreement that if I could do her up the arse she could do me, she never let me forget that, I'm amazed she didn't buy a strapon and get me really drunk.

My partner says I am too loud in bed
There's nothing wrong with you, but you may want to explore some options that work for both of you

Pamela Stephenson Connolly guardian.co.uk, Sunday 15 January 2012 21.00
I have fantastic sex with a new partner and I have orgasms every time, but he says I make too much noise. He says I sound like I'm being murdered and it's "distracting". He jokingly mentioned that maybe I should have counselling for the problem. I've never thought that my noise in the bedroom was a problem before, but I've never had such great sex in my life. I have been using a pillow over my head, but I find it suffocating. Is there any underlying psychological issue that might affect the level of noise one makes? Previously, I lived a sexless life for 10 years. My new partner is really caring and I wouldn't want to put him off by screaming my head off every time I climax.
I doubt there's anything wrong with you. You're just thoroughly enjoying yourself, and you can let go in a way that would be envied by many others. Given your long period of abstinence, it's particularly understandable that you'd want to savour this opportunity to finally be satisfied. I would caution you to stop using the pillow, because that will restrict your breathing, which could lead to other problems. Many people don't mind a noisy partner, but since he is distracted, might I suggest some lateral thinking, such as earplugs for him and perhaps a darkened room? If he's concerned that others might hear you, try to be creative about soundproofing your environment (you could even seek some wide, open spaces!). It may be that your partner's more attuned to visual, auditory or kinesthetic senses rather than sound, and needs silence to enjoy his particular style of sensuality. Negotiate something that works for both of you.

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

Loud birds pwn. Louder the better.

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KYPU

can be distracting if they don't stop with the "please don't kill me" schtick though.

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

Husband: 'Hey love, wanna play the murder sex game tonight?'
Wife: 'NOOOO!'
Husband: 'That's fucking spirit!' *strangles and rapes wife*

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KYPU

Good plan - go out into the big wide open and start screaming like you're being murdered

??

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[color="Red"]Keeper of the heretic's fork of doom [/color]

These are the cries of the carrots.

that doesn't surprise me. some of her "advice" is hysterical, in both sense of the word.


one to remember next time you need an alibi folks -

Experience: I'm a sex-somniac'I know I'd feel the same way as my partner: if one person is not fully present in the moment, then it's sex with a zombie'

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reddit this Anonymous guardian.co.uk, Friday 13 January 2012 22.59 GMT Article history
'Sometimes, I’ll be quite the *romantic, getting things going by kissing and stroking my partner. Other times, I’ll cut to the chase and just try to climb on top of her.' Photograph: Joel Redman for the Guardian
I first suspected my sex life wasn't as normal as it should be when my partner asked me one morning, "So, you really don't remember anything about last night?" I tried to remember, but … nothing. As far as I was concerned, I'd been dead to the world. Then she told me I'd tried to initiate sex while I was fast asleep. I was shocked – after all, you're usually far from sleepy when you're hoping for sex.

I hoped it was a one-off – and so did my partner. The last thing she wanted, understandably, were advances from someone who wasn't aware of who she was, let alone what he was doing.

I was amazed to discover I could be that uninhibited while being fast asleep. What else was I capable of? Would I start talking and say something insane?

It soon became clear that this strange nocturnal habit wasn't going away. That was eight years ago, and I'm still at it. Sometimes, apparently, I'll be quite the romantic, getting things going by kissing and stroking my partner. Other times, I'll cut to the chase and just try to climb on top of her.

My only comfort is that it has never got too out of hand and seems to follow a pattern. Of course she objects – sometimes physically, pushing me off or trying to wake me up. But we have developed strategies and learned to adapt. If I start to get frisky while asleep, my partner just says, "Get off" and I'm told I give a little chuckle and roll off. I'm so glad that I don't object or keep trying – if I did, I would seek treatment because I would never want to upset her.

In the morning, I have no recollection – it's only when I catch sight of my partner's unimpressed expression that I'll realise it's happened again. I now accept it as part of my make-up, but it is weird not to be in control of it.

At first she thought I was awake – my eyes were open – and if she was in the mood, she would sometimes be happy to continue. Apparently my performance doesn't differ that much whether asleep or awake. But she came to recognise my glazed expression and now rarely goes along with it. I know I'd feel the same way: if one partner is not fully present in the moment, then it's sex with a zombie.

But as she grew wise to me, my sleeping brain learned crafty tactics. If she asks whether I'm awake, I'm told I now somehow manage to mumble, "Yes" in order to continue, despite being deeply asleep. Sometimes I return to full consciousness in the middle of sex, which is a very strange sensation indeed – rising up through layers of sleep towards wakefulness, only to find I'm on top of my partner.

I knew I was unusual, but didn't realise there was a name for my condition – sex-somnia, or sleep sex – until someone told me about it. Sex-somnia is a version of parasomnia, which includes sleepwalking and talking, and occurs during the "deep sleep" stage in the first few hours of the night. Neurologists say the condition is on the rise due to our more stressful lifestyles. This chimes with my experience, because I've found that if I am in the intense period of training before the season starts – I'm a professional rugby player – I am totally exhausted at night and seem more likely to have sleep sex. Then several months can go by without a problem, if my daytime world is less demanding.

Another trigger is abstinence – the arrival of our young family has meant an increase in sleep sex. I've had my testosterone level tested by a sports scientist and discovered that it is abnormally high, so I'm sure it's connected.

I don't mind my close friends knowing about it, and there is a predictable amount of teasing, but I take it with good humour. Fortunately, I have never tried it on with anyone but my partner, so my team-mates are safe.

I know some people would be upset by this behaviour, but my partner is very understanding, partly because we've talked about it a lot. It hasn't affected our waking sex life – but she refuses any action after lights out, just in case. Strangely, if there are times when I wake up normally in the night, I never feel like sex and wouldn't dream of initiating it. I just go straight back to sleep, and who knows what I'll get up to then.

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

Valentine's Day: the world's worst chat-up linesChat-up lines are rarely, if ever, a good way to attract a partner. But some are worse than others ... Rachel Holmes rounds up the truly terrible - can you outslime her?


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Rachel Holmes
guardian.co.uk, Tuesday 14 February 2012 11.16 GMT Article history
"I love the way your nose sweats." Photograph: Florea Paul/Alamy
A colleague told me about a friend of hers who somehow managed to get hold of a thermal imaging device. Other, less original, men might rely on a good shave or the latest Beckham scent to attract potential dates, but this inventive chap was considering the benefits of approaching women with his "hotness" scanner, waving it over them like Harry Potter with a magic wand, then declaring them "off the scale". Brilliant.

Of course it's Valentine's Day today, so this sort of story seems particularly apt. Whether you're planning to celebrate it or not, it's difficult to avoid. For all those who can't be bothered, we have an antidote, or an 'antidate', if you like. Inspired by Scanner Man above, we'd like you to share the worst chat-up lines you've either heard or had the temerity to speak out loud. To get you started, we sourced a few gems from Twitter and Facebook.

Francesca Bourne was approached with a line that could almost have fallen from the lips of legendary lyricist Morrissey: "‎Maybe we could have some oven chips in my bedsit?" Jenna Johnston emailed us her run-in with a communications specialist sorely lacking in the tools of his trade:

"Do you have a phone charger?"
"No."
"Are you sure you don't have a phone charger?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"But you should have a phone charger..."
"Errrr."
"...because you've got a great pair of Nokias"

It doesn't even MAKE SENSE!

On Twitter, many unimpressed readers contributed 140 characters of pure sleaze, cheese and/or weirdness they'd heard in the search for love:


@IwasGobby Not my line/'joke', but used on me on a first date: *brings drinks over to table* 'I put the Rohypnol in at the bar'. I left.

@ErnestStrafford "I love the way your nose sweats" was the worst chat up line I ever had. What do you say to that?

@sarahelainech I snared husband by announcing (in Jane Austen voice) "well, sir, I believe I will take a turn around the garden."

@Shareydubs "So, do you have a name? & I like your hair... it looks like my sister's." #truestory

Last but by no means least, we thought this one was outstandingly, brilliantly awful in its simplicity. Told to Wanja with no preamble whatsoever: "I go to Eton."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/14/valentines-worst-chat-up-lines for comments

one i've heard was "would you like to dance"

"no, i don't think so"

"i suppose a fucks out of the question then?"

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

I was always impressed by:

"Do you drop em?"

"Not usually but you have talked me into it"

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The Senior Member

A tricky one.

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I hate Bobby Charlton.

Our neighbours think our noisy lovemaking is domestic violenceI feel guilty for being so loud during sex, and that people wrongly think my boyfriend is violent towards me, but what should I do?

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guardian.co.uk, Sunday 1 April 2012 20.00 BST Article history I am in a very loving relationship with my boyfriend of two years. Coming home after a night out, we often have very loud sex. So loud that our neighbour told her hairdresser that the guy living above her (my boyfriend) is beating his girlfriend (me). But that's not the case at all! We are simply having fun, safe, non-abusive, drunk sex. Unfortunately the hairdresser told my co-worker that I'm being "beaten", and my co-worker told my manager, and my manager confronted me to see if it was true. It makes me so mad. It is a really horrible thing for my boyfriend and I feel guilty for being so loud during sex. Help!

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"It felt like a really pointless version of ketamine: no psychedelic effects, no pleasant slide into rubbery nonsense, just a sudden drop off the cliff of wrongness."
"i'm gonna wreck you so bad we're going to have to change church"

I like sex.

Weirdo.

I had a threesome recently with my Hungarian girlfriend and her FEMALE polish friend...it was enjoyable. Danny...loud birds are indeed better but I find when they really moan loud I come quicker...

Good man. No matter, you're young, get one (or both) of them on your pipe to get you going again.

Hungarian birds are so fit. Polish are no slackers mind.

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KYPU

If it wasnt for foreign birds Irish men would be fucked. In general young Irish girls are skankatrons...the influx of single foreign women into Ireland has made them step up their game.

Ah, thanks for the clarification on the matter. I had always wondered why my granddad and his brothers-in-law had left the Emerald Isle. And there was I thinking it was for lack of employment opportunities.